Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Kids, do not try this at home!
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl