Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
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If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Brilliant!
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*