@Amburglar_: Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
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@NicCageMatch: The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
@DaddyJew: Boss:my office, now! Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter B:we've had a sexual harassment complaint M:Oh thank God!
@monks_19: If I'm ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
@fro_vo: a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink that's it. that's the punch line