Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
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Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
🤣
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.