Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
You Might Also Like
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE