@NikkiGlaser: Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
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@WheelTod: If I was on death row I'd request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn't be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
@Rollinintheseat: Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?" *20 minutes later* Me: "No."
@omerwahaj: Cop (catches me with a bag of marijuana, a dead duck and a dead crow): Sir, what were you doing? Me: Killing two birds while being stoned.
@PaulyPeligroso: The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.