@Breadery: Social Life Status: My friends are balloons with faces drawn on them. Stuart. My best friend. Popped two days ago.
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@KeetPotato: barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time [20mins later] barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question
@MommaUnfiltered: The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I've been resting for 6 years.
@LostCatDog: Waiter: Hi! Our special today is macaroni or cheese! Me: Wait - did you say 'or' cheese? Waiter: *lifts shirt, reveals gun* Look, I'm a cop