“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
You Might Also Like
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Smooooooth
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human