iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
calling in to work dehydrated
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.