[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
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[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”