Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
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Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Only Americans understand
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.