@MikeZakarian: Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order...with pictures.
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@SunshineJarboly: "Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN'T eat chocolate. It'll kill them." - God inventing dogs.
@MartaEffing: Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you're kinda boring and you've been on top of everything.
@agathagotstoned: May you always be the one looking confused standing in the back of a group selfie
@errdayhustlah: According to my neighbor's rooster, it's 5am now. Also according to my neighbor's rooster, we're having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.