@MikeZakarian: Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order...with pictures.
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@jdforshort: "Hitting it hard as shit" and "tickling the hole" are not phrases that I would have associated with golf before today
@thenatewolf: Detective: someone's been stealing boats, can we look in your basement? Me: I don't have a basement *sound of foghorn from basement*
@TheWoodenslurpy: Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.