@MikeZakarian: Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order...with pictures.
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@thenoahkinsey: I don't have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
@Bexdora: [Facepainting Booth] Mum: Er...she wanted a butterfly... Me: I only do toads Mum: Well you should say that bef- Me: *taps "TOADS ONLY" sign*
@JakeSocial: Just received an email saying: "Want to see Celine Dion live?" My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.