@MikeZakarian: Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order...with pictures.
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@vineyille: My self driving car crashes into the amazon go store, aisle after aisle of destroyed canned goods are automatically added to my order
@electrolemon: independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
@jessforaminute: *Drops French fry in the crevice of car seat* Join your brothers and sisters sweet child
@squirrel74wkgn: [at a party] *taps wife's shoulder* I've looked everywhere...where are all the swings? (wife pulls away from kissing Bob) "What?"