I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Haha! 😂
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.