Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Risking my life for fun.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.