Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
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Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
this is uni
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics