Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
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Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
*pronounces patio like ratio
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.