Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
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When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.