Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
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*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!