Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
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*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!