@MotherJonestown: STAGES OF DRUNK: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don't wake up the cows.

@flashember: ME: I have so many questions SOOTHSAYER: forsooth ME: Exactly lol S: SOOTH ME: Yeah so- S: Sooth? ME: You only say sooth eh S: *nods* sooth

@JarrettsPosts: my grandpa doesn’t use his blinker because “its no one else’s business where he’s going”

@mrsjohngoodman: I ran over someone and now there's a bunch of flowers where it happened. It's like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts

@bingowings14: *Runs fingers over Braille calendar* Is this a date? It feels like a date.