@HomeProbably: Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone's calling me and glare at it until it goes away.

@Xoolun: Cops: Jay X? Me: Yes. Cops: Your dog has been reported to have chased someone on a bike. Me: Thats bullshit my dog doesnt have a bike.

@fro_vo: ME: *puts on sunglasses* NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

@GodShammGod9: My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what's funny she said " everyone here is alive because I got laid ".

@tchrquotes: Wife: I'm going to grab some dinner, you want anything? Me: No thanks, I'm stuffed. Wife: Ok, I'm going to Taco... Me: I'll have 9 tacos.