Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
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(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
some things should go without saying
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
When someone trying to leave me
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea