SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
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Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.