SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
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Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Mmmm canned fish.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Is this the real life?
Is this just
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”