I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
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INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.