Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
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My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
🤣🤣💀
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
no regrets
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.