Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
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You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
[the middle of showering] I need a break
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Herpes is trending, good job people
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.