Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
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A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.