Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
You Might Also Like
what kind of cook setting is this??
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
You can’t outrun your problems…
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.