fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
prepare for carbonated trouble
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.