Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
You Might Also Like
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what