Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
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Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
real
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Lucky old June.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
He a real one for that
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
we’re gonna need another temp
New comic up. “Ransom”