SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
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If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Every damn time
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”