Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
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*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.