This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
You Might Also Like
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Buck naked
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.