Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
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george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute