teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
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I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant