People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
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“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite