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@clarkekant: Soft on Wall Street. Hard on Sesame Street. Romney 2012.
@iamburtjarvis: british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
@zachheltzel: I DIDN'T SAFELY EJECT MY FLASH DRIVE AND NOW MY DOG IS DEAD
@1Bad_Scientist: Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that's hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
@RobElliottComic: *Sets fire to city*
Pppffttt... More like the Roman em-pyre...
-Attila the Pun
@topaz_kell: If you're upset with someone, write down your feelings in a message.
Put the message in a bottle.
Hit them over the head with the bottle.