[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
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Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
it was a valiant fight
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone