Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
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*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.