[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
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me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.