[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
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My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
definitely did not do anything wrong
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Has there ever been a more American story?
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.