Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
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#Caturday
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws