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CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
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I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
I love you…
…r dog.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Breaking news:
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest