In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
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I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Ken is short for chicken
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?