SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
I’m calling the cops.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.