[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
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Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”