[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
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I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I hope Alan is OK
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.