I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
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walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
When they try to steal your moment.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
6. me as a lawyer
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.