Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
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A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
When you don’t understand how floors work
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
#SuperBowl
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.