Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
2022 will be better than 2021
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.