[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
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My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No