one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
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Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.