@_freeayo: Some baby on this train is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!”
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@Marlebean: I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under, until my phone got stuck under my bed.
@SortaBad: [god designing humans] Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
@: [i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says "i'm leaving and i'm taking the kids"] ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you're not going anywhere you piece of shit
@Reverend_Scott: COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE "I'LL NEVER COME OUT" COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM