I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
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Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
accurate
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Body by Oreos
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Actually cracking up @ this
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn